LAWRENCEVILLE | Lawrenceville Students Found Being Somewhat Kind to Hill Students

Lawrenceville Students Found Being Somewhat Kind to Hill Students


November 12th, 2016
Young revolutionaries from days past, ready to sautée Hill. Credit:

LAWRENCEVILLE - Recent reports from the Ministry of Public Affairs reveal that a small group of Lawrenceville students sabotaged the Hill Weekend war effort by attempting to maintain friendly relations with Hill school students.

These students, whose identities are not yet confirmed, have been unceremoniously pulled from classes this past Tuesday. Concerned teachers noted their suspicious behavior, such as wearing excessive blue. Their current whereabouts are unknown, although speculators have assumed they are being held in the dungeons below the Dean of Students’ office.

According to insiders in the Ministry of Public Affairs, charges include “smiling” in the direction of Hill fans and “stopping for breath” in the middle of a Lawrenceville fan chant. Accused ringleaders of the movement have been linked to underground hippie Facebook groups advocating ‘brotherhood.’

Student reaction to the news has been mixed. Since Facebook renowned as the best Harkness table at Lawrenceville, some students took to social media to discuss the traitors’ actions.

“Always knew that dude was too happy all the time. Never knew he was a commie though. Shame. He was a good supplier of weed for Invite-a-Houses,” said one interviewed student, who was not actually interviewed.

“Inexcusable,” responded another, “French fries have not been served at Irwin for several weeks now and the term is almost over.”

The trial of this insidious group has not yet begun. A verdict will be delivered soon, assured the Ministry. Current punishments on the ballot include Saturday detention and death by firing squad. With other suggestions for punishment, please contact the Dog Pound or Ministry of Public Affairs.

Katherine Xiong '19 contributed reporting.